Last Updated on 22 June 2024

Quotes from Emo Philips (1956-)

  • Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
  • Ambiguity – the Devil’s volleyball.
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • I pray a simple prayer every morning. It’s an ecumenical prayer. Whether you’re Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience.”
  • I used to think that the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I realized, ‘look what’s telling me that’.
  • I was at a bar, going from stool to stool hoping to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.
  • I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
  • I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
  • I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
  • I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.
  • My ex has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
  • My girlfriend said, “Just buy me something crazy and expensive, that I won’t even need!” So I signed her up for radiation treatment.
  • My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
  • Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
  • When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas….
  • When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
  • When it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple. Or at least as a reasonably well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
  • You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
  • You know what I hate? Indian givers. No, I take that back.