Last Updated on 6 May 2025

A collection of jokes where a [blank] walks into a bar

These are the shorter jokes. Ones that begin by walking into a bar but are longer are available at Pfitz’s Pfunnies

• Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
• So this grasshopper goes in to a bar and orders a drink.
  The bartender says, “Hey we have a drink named after you.”
  The grasshopper says, “Oh yeah? Why would anyone name a drink ‘Steve’?”
• A sandwich walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “We don’t serve food here.”
• A skeleton walks into bar.
  It orders a beer and a mop.
• A bear walks in to a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin and… tonic.”
  The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
  The bear looks down for a second and says, “I don’t know, I guess I was just born this way.”
• A weasel walks into a bar.
  The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”
  “Pop,” goes the weasel.
• Arial and Comic Sans walk into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Get out! We don’t serve your type.”
• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
  He gives a mean look around the room as everyone gets quiet. Then he says, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw!”
• A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator.
  He asks the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
  “Yes, we do!”
  “Good. Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”
• Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martinus.”
  The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a Martini?”
  “Look,” Caesar replies, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”
  The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”
  The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
  The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”
• The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
  A time traveler walks into a bar.
• A man with authority walks into a bar. He orders everyone around.
• A ghost walks into a bar
  The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”
• A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
  When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, “Bartender, how much do I owe you?”
  The bartender replies, “For you, neutron, no charge.”
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
• A snake walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “How the heck did you do that?”
• C, Eb, and G walk into a bar.
  The bartender, upon seeing them, says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
• This fellow and a giraffe walk into a bar.
  The giraffe goes to sleep on the floor.
  The bartender says, “Hey! What’s that lyin’ there?”
  The fellow says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe!”
• The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
• A rabbi, a priest, and a zebra walk into a bar.
  The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
• A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
  The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
  The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
• A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says “A beer please! And one for the road!”
• Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
  You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, man.
• An infectious disease walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “We don’t serve infectious diseases here.”
  The infectious disease says, “Well you’re not a very good host.”